Connected all the time but only the way you want

I have a handful of people in my life who don't like to e-mail, text or instant message back.  I'm also guilty of this at times but not constantly and certainly not when it's important.  When I send an e-mail or instant message that really should be addressed, it baffles me why it isn't.

Sometimes these e-mails and IMs are urgent but yet they go unanswered leaving issues unaddressed.  This leads to issues when it comes to working, scheduling and other pressing matters that shouldn't go ignored.

This whole concept made me start thinking about how many different ways we have to communicate with one another.  I do believe we're reaching that threshold where there are too many ways to talk and less ways to get back to one another.

Have you ever struggled trying to figure out how to send a message to someone who you could contact multiple ways?  Should you e-mail them, text them, Facebook message the, tweet them or contact them in another way?  We connect with people in so many ways now, each has a preferred method of contact.

For me, it's e-mail.

I'll ignore calls, texts and other forms of contact if I'm really in the groove of working on something.  I'll generally always answer an important e-mail after I receive it.  If it's not as important, it can wait and I mark it to respond later.

Texts are too short, calls end up taking more time than necessary, and not everyone uses the same instant messaging service.  E-mail can get to the point, get to the inbox and just about everyone uses e-mail in one form or the other.

So, why can't others simply respond to them?

Perhaps, I need to take my own contemplation on the subject to heart.  While e-mail may be my preferred method of contact, it won't be for others and maybe I need to stop stressing about it and instead open my mind to using contact methods best suited for the person I'm trying to get in touch with.

Falling into old habits

This morning I ventured out of the comfort of my room to head out into the real world.  Lately, I’ve been getting severely overwhelmed being outside and interacting with people away from the computer.  This mostly comes down to the fact that I spend 95% of my day on a computer in my apartment either working or gaming.  I have very little social interaction outside my roommate and even when she comes home, it’s a little too much for me to handle socially.

This morning though, she wanted to take me to an Indian buffet called Namaste.  I’ve never really had Indian food, and she’s been talking this place up since she started at her job down this way.  The opportunity was ripe for the taking, so I jumped on it to try something new.

As I sit here at Starbucks, I realize just how out of touch I’m becoming again with the real world.  I’m uncomfortable.  I’m anxious.  I keep hoping nobody will notice me, talk to me or even look at me.  There’s two homeless people sitting next to me eating Michelina meals they purchased with food stamps.  They smell horrible, but they’re nice and they’re not bothering anybody.  I keep trying not to look at them so they won’t look at me, but I forgot how interesting people watching can be.

I need to make an effort to get out, even if it’s just a short walk or going somewhere further away for grocery shopping.  I need to force myself to interact with people.  I can’t keep stepping outside and feeling like my sensors are going to overload.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love what I’m doing, and I wouldn’t give up the freedom being a blogger gives me.  But how I feel right now is… frightening.  I used to love to meet new people, loved to learn new things but slowly I’m falling into old habits.  Shutting people out, shutting myself away and thinking it’s okay because I’m working towards something.

But what good is working towards something if you don’t know how to reap the benefits of what it’ll yield down the line?

Oh, West Wing, why couldn't you have been on TV forever

The West Wing recently came to Netflix.  The day it did, it immediately went into my queue and I began rewatching from the start. It had been years since I've done that.  I used to watch reruns when it was on Bravo.  I've never watched it from start to finish, even when it was on airs.

The West Wing is tied for my favorite show of all time right next to Battlestar Galactica.  There is something magical about The West Wing.  The chemistry of the cast, the storylines, the walk and talk; I love the show so much.  It doesn't matter how many episodes I watch, the theme song still instills a sense of pride in what our country stands for.  I know that sound cheesy, but it's true.  Even today.

Aaron Sorkin, the creator behind The West Wing, has a new show on HBO called The Newsroom.  It's first season ended months ago, but here's the trailer:

This show makes me want to be a journalist again.  It's what I wanted to do while in college, every so often it resurfaces again.  Every time I watch an episode of The Newsroom for the moment the starting credits begin to play, I want to be a journalist again.

Sorkin makes magic.  He takes an idea and he turns it into pure magic.  I don't know how he does it, but I know how it makes me feel.  Aaron Sorkin's shows make me feel like the world is mine, that I can take it on and I can be victorious.

On second thought, maybe it's just the theme song...

A turning point for the San Diego Chargers

Black Monday 2012.

L: AJ Smith R: Norv Turner

The only news of the day I cared about was when the San Diego Chargers - my boys in Powder Blue - fired Head Coach Norv Turner and General Manager AJ Smith.  Turner and Smith were instrumental in neglecting our O Line, failing to choose and support quality draft picks and letting key talent go over the years.  The latter, in my eyes, one of the biggest reasons for lack of stability on our team overall.

(I will NEVER forgive either of them for trading Darren Sproles.  That little guy was one of the most electrifying members of our team for several years, and Turner and Co. threw him away like yesterday's news.)

While I would never wish unemployment and the challenges of it on anyone, in the case of the Chargers, I will make an exception.  We needed this to happen last year.  We needed this to build a championship team.  We needed this as fans to believe in our team.  Finally, Dean Spanos gave Chargers fan what they wanted.  He gave us hope in the future of our team.

Now, the search begins, and I like Spanos' plan for the future.  Instead of just hiring a coach and then the GM, he wants to hire a GM that will play a part in who our new coach will be.

A lot of names have been thrown around for our new coach in particular.  Names such as the also fired Andy Reid who spent 14 years with Philadelphia before being handed his pink slip.  Josh McDaniels, bane of the Denver Broncos, has also been thrown around, too.  While I still think McDaniels is a long shot, I will never forgive the Chargers as a whole team if they hire McDaniels in ANY capacity.

It's going to be an interesting turning point for my Chargers, and I can only hope that Spanos' belief in our franchise as a championship one leads to the right changes and direction for my boys in Powder Blue.

So, how do you deal with noisy neighbors without breeding hostility or retaliation?

Normally, I can deal with just about anything.  I'm pretty laidback that way.  Lately, however, our new neighbors upstairs have been out of control.  The kid who moved in - and I say kid because he's young and clearly rambunctious - seems to have friends over often who either encourage his behavior or he brings it out in them.

They're loud just talking, physically loud on the floors and depending on the night blare their TV so loud we have had to go upstairs and ask them to turn it down.  When they go on the balcony, they're so loud I can hear and recite back their entire conversations.

Like I said, I'd normally not care but when it's clear that they have absolutely no regard for the people that live around them... Well, that bothers me.  I hate when people have absolutely no regard for those around them.  It's one of my biggest pet peeves behind being late or being made to wait.

We have gone up once before to ask him to turn down his TV when it was so loud we might as well been visualizing what we were hearing.  He turned it down, was apologetic, and that incident hasn't happened again but other things have.

Take New Year's Eve, for example:

Our neighbor had company over. It sounded like the floor above us was going to cave in.  They were so loud, so physical on the floor, they might as well have been caveman going to town on one another over a woman.  This went on for a couple hours.  It was intense.  They finally left and it's been quiet ever since, but it's ridiculous to feel as if your floor is going to cave in because of an upstairs neighbor.

So, how do you deal with noisy neighbors without breeding hostility or retaliation?

I'm thinking of going upstairs and talking to him again.  I don't mind some fun but all the time?  That's not okay.

But we've talked to him before, and he knew we could hear his noise... What if talking to him again does nothing?  Then, what?  I don't want to be that person.  But I also don't want to feel as if the roof is going to come down around me at any second.

Regret is a dish best served cold

Regret is cold.  It's calculated.  It eats away at the very heart of a human being.  It can turn even the most optimistic and positive person into a self-loathing maniac.  Regret has ruled my life in 2012, I can't let it in 2013.

In 2012, I only regret two things.  One: That I did not walk away and two: That I did not fight hard enough.  I don't want to go into details.  I want to be vague and withhold the information behind this.  The two regrets I've held onto all year are mine to alone to hoist up on my shoulders.  They're my regrets I have to let go of and I'm the only one who can deal with what they cost me.

I will not let regret rule my heart in 2013.  I refuse to let it.  If I do, it will kill me and it will eat me alive.  It will destroy me until I no longer resemble myself and I can no longer function to the best of my potential.  I have to deal with my issues, deal with the aftermath of 2012 and put one foot in front of the other until I walk the path I was meant to be walk.

I only have two new year's resolutions for 2013: To stop biting my nails and to get in shape.  The latter being imperative to my well-being, both mentally and physically.  I'm tired of being less than what I could be and I'm tired of letting myself believe I don't deserve better.  By bettering myself, the only outcome can be knowing myself better.

I have goals, I'm working towards them and I'm looking forward to 2013.  After all, it can't get much worse than 2012 was to me.

Local post office holds my package hostage

Updated: 12/21/12 4:18 PM

On December 13, 2012, my mom alerted me that I should've received a package (Tracking # 9405 9036 9930 0076 5111 62) from her.  The tracking update she was sent said it was delivered in two separate updates, but I was home all day and nobody delivered a package to me.  There was nothing in my mail box either.

The next day I went to my apartment complex office and was told that the USPS carrier was new and attempted to deliver a package to our office.  Our office hasn't accepted packages since a fire in the old office building in July which our normal carrier and post office knew.  The carrier scanned the package as delivered and told my office manager it would be redelivered the next day.

I called the USPS customer service hotline (800 - 275 - 8777) and initiated a claim.  I was told I would be updated on the issue within 24 hours.  I never received any communication about this in that time frame.

On the 14th, I received no package.  I did leave a note in my mailbox about the issue but that was ignored by the carrier.

After the carrier left and I realized I still did not have my package, I called the local post office (8700 E Jefferson Ave, Denver, CO 80237 - 303 221 5209) to inquire about it.

I spoke to Kathy who seemed put off from the get go about my call.  After she let me explain the issue to her, she seemed agitated and told me that she was a supervisor.  She told me that the carrier on route that day was our regular carrier and that he was "a weirdo."  She said my package should be on his truck if it was to be redelivered and that if I did not receive it by the end of the day to call back first thing in the morning.

That evening I still did not receive my package.

On the morning of the 15th, I called Kathy back and she immediately put me on hold.  She picked up several times after confirming my address, and then another gentlemen who I believe identified himself as Jim, asked me to explain the issue to him and ask me my address again.  It seemed there was an issue of which route my apartment complex was on.

A third gentleman answered the phone but did not identify himself.  He said what sounded like he was told to end the call with me to which I got angry and asked what was going on.  I was put on hold again, and then a few minutes later he picked up and asked me once more to explain the issue.

I explained it to him.  He told me he was off the day before and nobody had told him about the incident.  I explained in detail what happened again, that I left a note about it in my mailbox, and then he told me that my regular carrier was on vacation.  He said he would look for my package and if it didn't arrive again to call back on Monday.  I was then hung up on by him after confirming my address and name one more time.  I didn't even have a chance to explain if they found my package, I would be out for the day and wouldn't be home to receive it.

I then called the 800 number back with my case ID to update the ticket.  I was told by the representative that there was no update to it, that the post office in question would update it when available and that she added what I reported about the incident.

I was then advised to escalate the ticket to the local Colorado/Wyoming consumer affairs office on Monday morning.

As of the evening of December 17th, I have yet to hear back about my case ID which I was told would be responded to within 24 hours.  It had now been more than 48 hours.

My note in the mailbox has gone ignored by every carrier who has delivered since the 14th.

I have submitted a ticket via USPS' web site on the issue, detailing the above.

On the morning of December 18th, I called the USPS customer service hotline to follow up on my original case.

The woman who updated me on the case said that a note had been put out to all carriers on the route - called a "carrier alert" - to be on the lookout for my package.  Beyond that, there was nothing else that could be done.  I continued to relay my concerns that the local post office did not care after my conversations with them to track down the package.

The woman told me that I could file a claim on the package since it had insurance no earlier than 45 days from the "delivery date" of December 13th.  I could do that online or in person by mail and either my mom (sender) or me (receiver) could do it.

At 1:15 PM on December 18th, I received a call from Kathy at the post office saying they had located my package.  In the voicemail she left, she said "I really don't appreciate what you wrote in your complaint" and that my package is "gonna sit here until you pick it up."

At that point, I was livid.  I called the 800 number back because if I called Kathy back, things would not have ended well. There is no reason why I should be required to go pick up a package they didn't deliver and were supposed to in the first place.

The woman I spoke to at the 800 number said there was no reason why the package shouldn't be redelivered as it was their fault this issue occurred in the first place.  She placed a delivery confirmation for me for December 19th.  She also assured me that the post office could not refuse the redelivery.

I was called at 5:26 PM the same day from the local post office location but no voice mail was left.

The carrier arrived on December 19 around 4 PM.  My package was not delivered, no attempt was made and no redelivery slip was left in my mailbox.

I called the 800 number again and spoke to a gentleman by the name of Devon.  He listened to my concerns and after I threatened to take the voice mail Kathy left public, then transferred me to a supervisor named Michael.  He read over my case, then listened to my concerns and apologized for the situation before escalating my claim.

He also scheduled a new redelivery for December 20th. 

He advised me to call Consumer Affairs with the new, escalated case number first thing in the morning.  He said someone would call me back about this and when I asked if it would be the supervisor Kathy, he said no, it should be the Postmaster at the local post office.

I have yet to call Consumer Affairs in the hopes that the post office would do the right thing and deliver my package after their mistake.  If I do not receive my package today, I will be contacting them first thing on the morning of December 21.  I have also reached out to the local media in the Denver metro area detailing my situation with this package and post office.

At this point, I want my package hand delivered to me at my apartment and an apology issued by the post office.  There is absolutely no reason why I should be held accountable for my package when the original carrier and then the post office continued to make the matter worse by refusing to acknowledge, apologize and rectify the situation.  Instead, they went out of their way to make this entire situation worse which is where I find myself now.

Latest update: December 21, 2012

At 2:34 PM, December 20, I received a voicemail from Kathy at the local post office and was asked what she should do with my package.  She already knows and has been told for two days what to do with it by having it redelivered.

I called the 800 number again, I explained if I don't receive it by the end of the day tomorrow, I will be filing a police report against her and the local post office.  The representative created another redelivery for tomorrow, confirmation #: COR21713462.

I finally got a hold of someone at consumer affairs (Sandra) who looked at my case and said she'd call the post office back to figure out what is going on.  I was told from the get go to just "go pick up your package."  This call was less than two minutes.  She then called me back not a few minutes later to tell me she's shocked that the mail carriers deliver packages to our apartments because they aren't supposed to do that.  I told her it happens all the time and she seemed not to believe me.

She called me back again and I was told that they weren't allowed to deliver to individual apartments and that was against postal policy.  I argued with her and then we ended the call when it was clear neither one of us were going to get anything out of it.  She did offer to get her supervisor but I was too angry to continue any conversation with consumer affairs.

It was very clear that this woman did not read the entirety of my claim, did not care and immediately sided with my local post office.

Wendy, her supervisor, called me back about ten minutes later and asked if they had permission to leave the package at my door and it was normally against policy.  I gave them permission, told her I'd be here all day and let her know the carriers here do it all the time and all anybody needed to do was tell me that.  I kept getting told this was against policy but they would make an exception.

I find it very hard to believe that they can't deliver to my doorstep in my complex, because I have had several packages - insured, uninsured, delivery confirmed, etc - delivered directly to my door since our office has been unable to accept packages.  I've watched all week thanks to working from home the various postal carriers deliver packages to individual apartments.  This was completely dismissed by consumer affairs as if I was lying about it.

In fact, when I scheduled each and every redelivery with the 800 number, not once was I told this was against policy. They knew I lived in an apartment in a complex and the package needed to be delivered to my door.  I would think if this was truly against policy in a case like this, someone - including Kathy at the local post office - would've said so instead of just leaving threatening voicemails and asking me what she should do with my package.  Asking me what she should do with my package indicates there are multiple options, such as picking it up, having it delivered or even having it returned to sender.

Kathy could've very clearly indicated this to me the day she found my package (six days ago), instead she purposefully has kept this package from being redelivered despite multiple redelivery setups for it authorized by the postal service customer service hotline (this includes regular rep and a supervisor who set up a redelivery.)  If this was such an issue, it would've been indicated to me from the get go, NOT once I called consumer affairs.

I also wish to point out Kathy told me that if my package was meant to be redelivered to me the day I reported the incident, it would be on the truck and redelivered.  She did not indicate at that time either that I would have to pick it up.  It wasn't until AFTER I filed a complaint that I was told I had to pick it up.

I have contacted all three major news networks in Denver, along with The Denver Post about this issue.

We will see if consumer affairs can actually get this post office to hand deliver my package.  If not, well, we go to Plan B.

Latest update: 12/21/12 4:19 PM

Vindicated!

As soon as the postal carrier arrived today, he immediately delivered the package to my door, apologized for the issue and even played with my cat for a bit.

Thank you to everyone who helped share, comment and support me through this fiasco.  I couldn't have made this happen without you.

"Your sadness is over an absence that is not new. It feels new, but it is only newly remembered."

I recently saw this quote on Twitter and immediately made it one of my favorites.  I don't know who the original author is and I couldn't find out much when I did look for it.  But it struck a chord with me.  It struck a chord straight to my heart.  I've been living my life for so long trying to fill an absence I lost months ago.  An absence I lost years ago.  An absence I lost more than 20 years ago.  Every day I live with this whole in my heart that I seek to fill by excess, whether it's food, drink or some other activity my obsessive compulsive nature latches onto.

There are only two things I've ever truly wanted in life: To write and to be loved.

I've been writing since I was a kid, as long as I can remember.  On some level, I think it's one of the few things in life that truly make me happy.  The world can be falling apart around me and as long as I pick up a pen and a piece of paper, everything will be all right.  I haven't always used that persistent nag to get me through the rough times.  But when the world was ending before me and I thought there was no light, writing has always been there for me.

In my delusion, I thought that I could be the type of writer I am and find love.  Find someone to spend the rest of my life with me.  I know, even typing this, that several people prominent in my life who care about me are going to object to this next statement.  I now realize this isn't possible.  Life has shown me that no matter how hard and how much I love, I simply will not find the person who can love me that much back.  I don't think it's because of the writing, I don't think it's because of the type of person I am, but I do believe it's because they realize that I want something they can never give me.

They cannot make me feel the way writing does, and I will resent them for that whether they realize it or not.  It will make me angry at them, it will make me judge them and it will make me go to great lengths to convince myself that I'm at fault (whether I am or not.)

Whenever I've been happy in a relationship, I've had issues writing.  Even writing work has suffered and been like pulling my own teeth out.  I find when I'm happy, it's the perfect storm for extreme writer's block.  My creativity has no outlet, it buries itself and so when something does go wrong, I go off the deep end mentally and emotionally.  Without the creative writing outlet - despite how happy I am - I find myself floundering with emotions that come spilling out in all the worst possible ways.

This really has led me to believe that I cannot truly find both.  This isn't to say others can't find both; I'm saying I can't find both.  Perhaps, I'm not truly mean to find both.  Maybe I do have to pick and choose which one I want.  I used to think it was love, but now I firmly believe it's writing.

So, that is the choice I make.

You either live your dreams or you don’t

Dreams are an interesting concept.  We all have dreams and aspirations we reach for in life.  They can as simple as taking a cruise to something as large as winning an Academy Award.  But how many of us truly reach for our dreams?  I don’t mean setting goals, stepping stones and crossing items off a checklist to get to an end point.  I mean, truly, madly living that dream despite it not yet coming true.  It’s much easier to think we’re on our way to our dreams instead of accepting we’re already on the road to living them, we just have to move towards them.

I’m tired of being afraid of living my dreams, because I already am.  I’ve always wanted to be a writer.  What do I get to do every day?  I get to write.  It can be a poem, the inklings of a short story or even something I’m being paid for, but I’m still writing.  I’m still creating something from scratch and that’s what I’ve always wanted to do.  So, why am I still afraid I’m not doing it when clearly I am?

Society has a funny way of making us think what we’re doing is wrong.  This has been true since humans were capable of forming social groups, creating norms and enforcing them on the rest of a group.  For so long I thought I was doing the wrong thing, I wasn’t being a productive member of society and I wasn’t contributing to what I wanted to do with my own life.  I was working towards impossible standards that weren’t even my own.  They weren’t even the standards of those around me.  They were the standards of some unseen societal entity we all tend to blame for things going poorly, things falling apart and things not seeming to be true.

I don’t want to live this way anymore.  I get to write every day.  I get to do what I love every day.  It may not be what society thinks is productive, it may not always pay the bills but at the end of the day, I am already living my dreams.  Now, the real question is, where can this dream take me?  Where can I go with it?  What can I do to grow, nurture and encourage it?

That’s where I’m at now.

I don’t want to spend another day pretending I’m not a writer.  I am.  I have plans, projects, ideas and I want to spend time evolving them into something more than just the spark they started out as.  There is no better feeling in life, at least to me, than creating something from nothing.  Not many people can do that or want to do that.  Most people are terrified of putting themselves out there on an original idea.  Not me.  It excites me, it encourages me and it makes me feel more alive than ever.

What's the point of productivity anyway?

I've been trying to up my productivity levels the last month, and I've found that like most things in life it's much easier said than done.  I've read some blogs, some articles and watched some videos on how others manage productivity in their everyday lives and none of this has seem to worked for me personally.  I find myself limited by the concept of productivity in a way.  So, the more I focus on trying to be productive, the less I actually am during a day.

I make a to do list every day.  It's just a basic sticky note in Windows 7.  I list what I have to do during the day, even down to the most mundane tasks.  The thrill that comes with erasing each item makes me feel good, but I think that's not actually helping me productive.  Most of the tasks I do day-to-day are just things that should be intertwined already within my day that I shouldn't need a list to complete.

While my productivity in the last month has increased, especially when it comes to my writing, I feel I could still be managing my time better.  I'm also beginning to wonder if we sabotage ourselves by trying to be focus on being productive.  What would happen if I just lived?  If I just did.  If instead of making a list, I just completed tasks.  Instead of tracking my progress, I just walked away once done.  Would that make me more productive?  Would that give me more time to do this and that?

There are so many things I want to do during my day that I don't get to do because I feel I'm limited by what I "have" to do.  It can be work, it could be writing, it could be something around the apartment, but I limit myself by what I think needs to be done instead of taking advantage of what could help me get more done.  What would waking up every day, no matter what is going on that day, at the same time for one week?  How much more time would that give me to be productive?

One of my favorite quotes is from H. Jackson Brown: "Don't say you don't have enough time.  You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein."

I think my next step is to set a schedule of being awake from 6 AM every morning to 10 PM every night just to see what I can accomplish.  It will take some time to get used to, and it may be hard at first, but what will the extra hours in my day lead to?  Even if it's the addition of a walk, a trip to the gym or just more creative writing rather than work, it can help make me more use of my time during my days.

Now, only time will tell.

Looking forward to football season

Football season is right around the corner.  I love football season.  While baseball is also one of my favorite sports, there is just something magical about the football season.  Maybe it's because games are just once a week, maybe it's because of the action involved or maybe it's just because it captured my imagination as a child.

Rivers

I'm a diehard Chargers fan.  It doesn't matter what type of season they have or how badly they choke during play-offs.  I absolutely love and support them and will until the day I die.

Do I have expectations for San Diego this year?  Not really.  I've learned that you have to take the San Diego Chargers with a grain of salt.  It's great when they're winning, it sucks when they're losing but you'll stand by them through thick and thin.  We've always had a good, solid team but they just can't seem to make it to the big game and win.

Manning

Now that I'm living in Denver, I do root for the Broncos as my "default team."  While I wasn't very thrilled with Tebow Time here last season, I'm glad to see him gone so the team can actually focus as a unit as opposed to being under him.  However, if Denver had been smart, they would've kept him on the roster as backup QB and let Manning groom him into a true QB.  I highly doubt Tebow will become that now, as he's seemed destined to be a PR piece no matter where he goes instead of actually being the total package in football.

I digress.

I'm excited to see what Manning brings to Denver.  I'm sure every Broncos fan will hold their breath with each hit he takes throughout the season, but if Manning can pull off the impossible - which I do believe he can - Denver is going to be in for one hell of a good, interesting and exciting football season.  Even more so than when Tebow was here, which is really want Broncos fans need to see.

It should be an interesting season in the NFL overall, too.  We have the Saints under a microscope, facing fines and losing several players.  We have the Packers who continue to prove they're a force to reckon with.  We have some new rookies who are really exciting and starting from the get go.  It's going to be an exciting season, and I can't wait to catch as many games as I can!

I'm just a writer

All I've ever wanted to do in life is write.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted to write something.  I wanted to tell stories, I wanted to envision things others couldn't even conceive.  I know without a shadow of a doubt it's what I was put on this planet to do.

I like to attribute my love of storytelling to my paternal grandmother or "Nanny" as we called her growing up.  Whenever my sister and I visited her as kids, she told us these vivid stories about my dad, my uncles, her family and more.  I used to sit against the wall in her room and listen to her while my sister was out playing with dolls or went to the playground.  I loved listening to her tell a story, because the way she told it, I could see it play out in my own head.  I've always wanted to tell stories like that; I believe there are no better kind.

I've been living as a writer for almost 10 years now.  I took time off from college to pursue this career, mostly freelancing.  I've written on everything from mailboxes to iPods to everything in between.  I've learned search engine optimization, marketing techniques and just about everything possible to create web content.  While I enjoy the writing aspect of it, the challenge of creating content that people actually search for, find and read, I'm starting to burn out on just writing for the web.

I've begun doing writing exercises.  Mostly prompts for 30 to 45 minutes every other day to help get myself back into the creative writing spirit.  I've missed writing creatively, and it's a joy to see what I'm producing from these exercises.  Some have turned into bigger ideas, others have been filed away because I think they're embarrassing.

I've decided by the end of fall, I want to begin shopping around what I believe will be my first professional novel.  It's not necessarily the one I want to be first, but it's the one that has a story that will get me into the door.  I'm pleased with how it originally played out, and I know some out there have read bits and pieces of it over time.  It feels unpolished, but it will get better once I take the time to truly go through it and ask for feedback.

Who would've thought I finally had the courage to make it this far?  I've been holding onto several things for awhile creatively; I'm too scared to share with just about everyone, but I'm going to take that leap and see where it takes me.  What's the worst that could happen?

Yes, I'm gay, but I don't support gay "marriage" & I will still eat at Chick-fil-A

This post is going to get me into trouble.  It's going to get me in a lot of trouble.  I have no doubt the comments will be filled with hateful vitriol, I will lose Facebook and Twitter followers/friends and I'll probably receive several e-mails attacking me, my beliefs and this post.  This is why I tend to stay away from these topics.  However, I feel like this Chick-fil-A issue has spiraled so out of control, I can't help but comment on it.

I could care less what the CEO of Chick-fil-A feels about gay marriage and gays in general.  He, just like everyone else, is entitled to freedom of speech.  He owns a private company; he can do with his funds how he feels.  As long as I don't walk into a Chick-fil-A and get asked to leave because I'm gay, I don't care.  There are those of you reading this right now that are saying that because I purchase something from Chick-fil-A, that money I am spending as a gay American is going towards "fighting" my community.

Do you know where every cent of your money goes to when you purchase a cheeseburger from McDonalds?  How about when you purchase toiletries at Walgreens?  What about when you buy a pizza from your local mom and pop pizzeria?  Did you know that many major grocery store chains donate money to politicians running for election?  How many of those candidates do you support?  Unless you can tell me with absolute certainty that every penny you spend everywhere you choose to go is not supporting this, that or whatever, then you have no right to criticize me for choosing to purchase a chicken burrito from Chick-fil-A.

I do not believe in gay "marriage."  That's the primary issue gays will never, ever have equal rights in this country.  You cannot take a religiously-backed word, such as marriage, and ask those that believe in the law of G-d to change how they view it.  Step back, take a deep breath, and ask for civil unions.  There is nothing religiously-charged about that, and it gives you the same damn rights marriage does in this country.  In fact, there are tens of thousands of Americans who are straight that are living in a civil union as opposed to marriage for whatever reason.

Is it ridiculous that gay people can't use the word "marriage" without coming under fire?  Absolutely.  It's a word.  However, when you recognize that trying to convince a person who believes in religion otherwise, you will lose every single time despite the commonsense principle behind "we are all created equal."  When you look at the bigger picture here, the idea of marriage vs. civil unions is also ridiculous.  Our country, and planet, have so many bigger things to worry about than who is with who.

I want equal rights just as badly as the next person, but let's face it: African Americans and women have equal rights under the law, but to a lot of people in this country, they are still looked down upon.  Gays are still fighting for equal rights under the law, they're still looked down upon for being "wrong."  The longer we fight over semantics and the things that don't matter, the longer it's going to take for us to achieve equal rights under the law.  That's the first step, from there, it's still going to take decades before being gay is no longer looked down upon.

If you doubt any of the above, just think how the Women's Rights Movement or the Civil Rights Movement would've played out if the Bible said both communities were an abomination, too.

Things left unsaid

July 20, 2012 was a deadly day for Aurora, Colorado.  That just so happens to be where I live.  A 24 year old gunman named James Holmes ambushed a group of theater goers watching the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.  He murdered 12 of those people, wounding another 70.  Our community has banded together to support those victims as they struggle with the loss of loved ones as well as encouraging the recovery of those wounded.

That same night, after a week of house sitting, I came home to relax and get reacquainted with my normal routine only to be roused by a vicious fire in the building across the way.  Had I not been house sitting, I may have been at the theater shooting and had this apartment not been open, I may have been living in the building that burnt to a crisp.

In life, you never know just how close you come to the end each day.  Some days, like this day for me, you realize just how a few choices - even if they are out of your control - may be the end.  This is a time of reflection, of mourning for those who did lose someone and for looking at what to do in the future to better myself and the world around me.

It's amazing how tragedy, close calls and your place within the world changes in a day.  I'm looking at things differently, trying to focus on the positive and moving forward in life.  Already, I can see some changes in just how I'm handling small things that would normally get under my skin.

In life, too, it is so much easier to leave things left unsaid.  We all do it, we're all guilty of it, and we tend to regret it at some point in life.  Simple things like I love you, I'm sorry and even thank-you go unsaid every day for various reasons.  Most of us feel like we're too busy, others feel as if we can't properly express ourselves or we'll ruin a situation we're in by admitting to what's going on in our heads.

You see, the problem with this mentality is that life is too short to have regrets especially with the things in life we can control. By the time you get around to a simple thank-you, it may be too late either for you or for them.  By the time you get around to admitting you love someone, they may have moved on without you.  You just never know what life will throw your way or throw in the way of the person you have unfinished business with.  If you can step up, find that courage, who knows how life may turn out.

Some days I wish I had that courage.  I spend so much of my time regretting words and actions I did not take both in the present and the past.  I'm such a coward, and I wish I could find the strength and not let all the things eating their way inside me out into the world.  Not only to get them out but for peace of mind and to lift what I feel is a bit of a burden on my shoulders.  But saying what you feel is always easier said than done, which is why we leave so much unsaid in life.

Besides taking a more positive approach on life and the future, I also want to reach out and have less regrets.  Keep less inside of me and share what I'm thinking, feeling and want in life to those around me.  It will take courage, and I will find it as my life could be taken from me at any moment and I don't want to leave anything left unsaid.

Ponderosa Villas Late Night Fire Recap

Around 10:45 PM last night, the fire alarm in the building across the way began blaring.  At first, I thought it was our building’s fire alarm.  So, after hearing the noise, I opened the front door to confirm it.  Our upstairs neighbor was out on the stairs looking off into the distance and I asked him if it was for real.  He pointed and nodded.

I headed to our balcony and immediately saw police cars swarming our parking lots.  There were orange flames shooting up into the sky, lots of smoke and what looked like a huge fire in the building across from us.  I called my roommate who was at work to let her know, because with the way things have been in Aurora the last 24 hours, I just didn’t know what was going on and if we’d have to evacuate or not.  People were pouring out of the buildings closer to the one on fire, running in most cases while others began gathering in the parking lot staring in horror.

Quickly, I grabbed the cat carrier and stuffed my cat Diego into their despite his protests.  I grabbed the laptops, a binder and my wallet and headed downstairs for my roommate to return home.  At this point, fire trucks had begun trickling into the parking lot on the one side of the building on fire.  The smoke at this point had begun to plume out and down to the ground, making the visibility to the right of that building close to zero.  It looked so much worse to those of us watching.

A fire truck pulled directly in front of our building awaiting orders.  I called my roommate to let her know I wasn’t sure if she could get into the complex or not, and they already had the side street blocked off which I couldn’t see she informed me.  She parked in the Costco parking lot across the street and began walking over.

The fire truck headed around the other side of the building and they began to block off the areas with police tape.  We had several fire trucks, police cars, ambulances and loads of people from all over the complex standing on balconies, in the street, at their cars watching as the fire seemed to just keep burning.  I decided to walk down the street to see if I could get a better angle, but you really couldn’t see much but flames, water and smoke from our vantage point.

Firefighters trying to but out the fire from outside

After awhile, we decided to head back into the apartment and to continue to watch from the balcony.  It looked like we wouldn’t be evacuated.  Our upstairs neighbor had said he thought three apartments were on fire as he had run around to see before they blocked off the area.  We came upstairs, let our cat out and set up out on the balcony.  The sirens, lights and alarms were so loud; we wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway.

We settled in, watching as the flames seemed to get a lot worse over time rising higher.  A poor woman sitting outside was taken to the hospital for some reason; we weren’t sure if she was involved in the apartments on fire or something else.  We’re still not sure.

Eventually, I decided I would walk around the other side of the building to see if I could see better what was actually going on.  There were no police or fire officials watching the yellow tape, so I stepped past it a bit but not in a dangerous way to take a few pictures.  By this point, they seemed to have most of the fire under control but things were still smoking and smoldering.  It was very dark, so it was hard to see just how many apartments were affected and the damage.

Initial damage from side

I briefly spoke to our property managers who were in disbelief and worried.  Luckily, nobody was hurt and everyone had escaped before they could be hurt.  So, that was good news that I brought back to my roommate.

We sat outside for awhile.  I eventually downloaded a police scanner to my phone so I could listen in to what was going on with the firefighters and police in our area.  While most of it was chatter and incidents elsewhere, I learned that there was a collapse during their efforts but nobody was hurt.

My roommate went to bed before me, but I sat outside for a good hour or so watching as the fire was put out, the building was still smoldering and fire trucks began to leave the scene.  Some residents were fighting with police about trying to get into their apartments in the adjacent building but they were holding firm.  They finally gave in after the scene was cleared for danger by firefighters looking for debris.

Smoldering, then smoke

The sprinklers around the complex went off, shooting up much higher than normal, in an effort to combat any smoldering debris.  Most of those watching the night’s events unfold had gone inside, some you could see on balconies clearly not able to sleep, yet.

It was probably about 1:30-ish AM when I finally decided to head in.  Two fire trucks had left at this point, some of the police had, too, and folks were back in their homes.

I woke up around 4-ish AM to use the bathroom and checked outside.  There was still one fire truck left but otherwise, it was much calmer out.

By the time I woke up again around 8:30 AM, it was as if nothing had happened last night at all.  You couldn’t see any debris, no fire or police presence, it was just quiet.  My roommate and I had some errands to run, so we decided to walk up by the right side of the building.

On our way around, we saw that they had blocked off the entrances to that entire building with pieces of chain link fence.  There was debris, glass, roof tiles and more around the one side.  As we walked around to the other, you could see the side of the apartments that were charred.

Then, we stood in awe by the pool to see the devastation.  The third floor apartment was completely destroyed with the roof gone, balcony burned through and collapsing into the second floor apartment.  The second floor apartment’s living area looked destroyed by the bedrooms looked like they might be okay.  The glass was broken out; we could see a bookcase or stand still there through the window.

The creepiest part of seeing the damage was on the first floor where several potted planters were melted into the fencing around the porch.  One planter hanging from the top of the ceiling looked as if it disintegrated while others were just charred.

The police and fire officials were there talking to some residents, too.

After we ran our errands, we came back and I decided to stroll around the left side of the building again to try and get some better pictures of the damage.

Damage in the daylight

Before that, there were a few residents who were jumping over the fences to the first floor porches to grab things they had left there the night before.  Cleaning crews were also on hand to begin working with the damage to the apartments and surrounding area.

You can read more about the fire from our local NBC affiliate here, which also includes a video someone sent in from the fire.

You can also see all the pictures I've taken so far from last night and today on my Google+ profile.

Expectations

It's ironic how as kids we convince ourselves that fairy tales really do come true, and for very, very few they do. But for the majority of us, fairy tales are just the expectations we put into other people to be who we want them to be. The irony lies in the fact that nobody, not a single soul on Earth, can be who we want them to be because they're too busy trying to figure out who they are every day of their lives.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the expectations we put on ourselves, that others put on us and that the world in general throws our way.  Expectations are out there whether we want them to be a driving force in our lives or not.  The problem with the majority of expectations that we "think" we are putting on ourselves really come from other people.  What they want us to be, who they want us to be, what they want a relationship to be.  When it comes down to it, a majority of "who" we are is based on what other people want us to be.

Who do we blame when we fall far from those expectations?  That's right: Ourselves.

I refuse to live my life tied down by expectations anymore.  This will be a hard path but a righteous one.  If I can find a way to live my life for me, figure out exactly who I am, who or what can stop me from accomplishing the goals I have set?  The only person who can stop me from being me is me, so why waste time worrying what other people and what society says I can and can't be?

My goals will be simple from this point out.  They will be attainable.  They will build upon one another until I shatter the fairy tale I wanted and simply learn to live life, enjoy each and everything that comes my way good or bad.  I owe it to myself to enjoy life, because I never know when it may be taken away.

When it comes to the people in my life, I no longer want to hold them up to a higher standard just because I "think" they should be this or do that.  Instead, I simply want to be thankful they were in life for better or worse.  I've learned something from each of them, and why would I want to waste that experience for bitterness and misplaced feelings?

I've spent my whole life chasing a dream that I thought I came close to having but am now coming to realize was just not going to come true.  Not as the person I had become.  The hurt, the anger, everything I've held onto in life has shaped me into this mold of a person I don't want to be.  How can I expect someone to truly understand and be with me if I haven't come to terms with the past and moved forward as a person with their feet solidly on the ground.

I know it's much easier to say these things - write them out -  then to live them.  I'm going to remind myself each day that to live life free of these expectations is what is truly going to get me out of this rut.  It's going to guide me into the future.  If I can hold onto that, I'll be just fine.