Things left unsaid

July 20, 2012 was a deadly day for Aurora, Colorado.  That just so happens to be where I live.  A 24 year old gunman named James Holmes ambushed a group of theater goers watching the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.  He murdered 12 of those people, wounding another 70.  Our community has banded together to support those victims as they struggle with the loss of loved ones as well as encouraging the recovery of those wounded.

That same night, after a week of house sitting, I came home to relax and get reacquainted with my normal routine only to be roused by a vicious fire in the building across the way.  Had I not been house sitting, I may have been at the theater shooting and had this apartment not been open, I may have been living in the building that burnt to a crisp.

In life, you never know just how close you come to the end each day.  Some days, like this day for me, you realize just how a few choices - even if they are out of your control - may be the end.  This is a time of reflection, of mourning for those who did lose someone and for looking at what to do in the future to better myself and the world around me.

It's amazing how tragedy, close calls and your place within the world changes in a day.  I'm looking at things differently, trying to focus on the positive and moving forward in life.  Already, I can see some changes in just how I'm handling small things that would normally get under my skin.

In life, too, it is so much easier to leave things left unsaid.  We all do it, we're all guilty of it, and we tend to regret it at some point in life.  Simple things like I love you, I'm sorry and even thank-you go unsaid every day for various reasons.  Most of us feel like we're too busy, others feel as if we can't properly express ourselves or we'll ruin a situation we're in by admitting to what's going on in our heads.

You see, the problem with this mentality is that life is too short to have regrets especially with the things in life we can control. By the time you get around to a simple thank-you, it may be too late either for you or for them.  By the time you get around to admitting you love someone, they may have moved on without you.  You just never know what life will throw your way or throw in the way of the person you have unfinished business with.  If you can step up, find that courage, who knows how life may turn out.

Some days I wish I had that courage.  I spend so much of my time regretting words and actions I did not take both in the present and the past.  I'm such a coward, and I wish I could find the strength and not let all the things eating their way inside me out into the world.  Not only to get them out but for peace of mind and to lift what I feel is a bit of a burden on my shoulders.  But saying what you feel is always easier said than done, which is why we leave so much unsaid in life.

Besides taking a more positive approach on life and the future, I also want to reach out and have less regrets.  Keep less inside of me and share what I'm thinking, feeling and want in life to those around me.  It will take courage, and I will find it as my life could be taken from me at any moment and I don't want to leave anything left unsaid.

Expectations

It's ironic how as kids we convince ourselves that fairy tales really do come true, and for very, very few they do. But for the majority of us, fairy tales are just the expectations we put into other people to be who we want them to be. The irony lies in the fact that nobody, not a single soul on Earth, can be who we want them to be because they're too busy trying to figure out who they are every day of their lives.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the expectations we put on ourselves, that others put on us and that the world in general throws our way.  Expectations are out there whether we want them to be a driving force in our lives or not.  The problem with the majority of expectations that we "think" we are putting on ourselves really come from other people.  What they want us to be, who they want us to be, what they want a relationship to be.  When it comes down to it, a majority of "who" we are is based on what other people want us to be.

Who do we blame when we fall far from those expectations?  That's right: Ourselves.

I refuse to live my life tied down by expectations anymore.  This will be a hard path but a righteous one.  If I can find a way to live my life for me, figure out exactly who I am, who or what can stop me from accomplishing the goals I have set?  The only person who can stop me from being me is me, so why waste time worrying what other people and what society says I can and can't be?

My goals will be simple from this point out.  They will be attainable.  They will build upon one another until I shatter the fairy tale I wanted and simply learn to live life, enjoy each and everything that comes my way good or bad.  I owe it to myself to enjoy life, because I never know when it may be taken away.

When it comes to the people in my life, I no longer want to hold them up to a higher standard just because I "think" they should be this or do that.  Instead, I simply want to be thankful they were in life for better or worse.  I've learned something from each of them, and why would I want to waste that experience for bitterness and misplaced feelings?

I've spent my whole life chasing a dream that I thought I came close to having but am now coming to realize was just not going to come true.  Not as the person I had become.  The hurt, the anger, everything I've held onto in life has shaped me into this mold of a person I don't want to be.  How can I expect someone to truly understand and be with me if I haven't come to terms with the past and moved forward as a person with their feet solidly on the ground.

I know it's much easier to say these things - write them out -  then to live them.  I'm going to remind myself each day that to live life free of these expectations is what is truly going to get me out of this rut.  It's going to guide me into the future.  If I can hold onto that, I'll be just fine.