What's the point of productivity anyway?

I've been trying to up my productivity levels the last month, and I've found that like most things in life it's much easier said than done.  I've read some blogs, some articles and watched some videos on how others manage productivity in their everyday lives and none of this has seem to worked for me personally.  I find myself limited by the concept of productivity in a way.  So, the more I focus on trying to be productive, the less I actually am during a day.

I make a to do list every day.  It's just a basic sticky note in Windows 7.  I list what I have to do during the day, even down to the most mundane tasks.  The thrill that comes with erasing each item makes me feel good, but I think that's not actually helping me productive.  Most of the tasks I do day-to-day are just things that should be intertwined already within my day that I shouldn't need a list to complete.

While my productivity in the last month has increased, especially when it comes to my writing, I feel I could still be managing my time better.  I'm also beginning to wonder if we sabotage ourselves by trying to be focus on being productive.  What would happen if I just lived?  If I just did.  If instead of making a list, I just completed tasks.  Instead of tracking my progress, I just walked away once done.  Would that make me more productive?  Would that give me more time to do this and that?

There are so many things I want to do during my day that I don't get to do because I feel I'm limited by what I "have" to do.  It can be work, it could be writing, it could be something around the apartment, but I limit myself by what I think needs to be done instead of taking advantage of what could help me get more done.  What would waking up every day, no matter what is going on that day, at the same time for one week?  How much more time would that give me to be productive?

One of my favorite quotes is from H. Jackson Brown: "Don't say you don't have enough time.  You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein."

I think my next step is to set a schedule of being awake from 6 AM every morning to 10 PM every night just to see what I can accomplish.  It will take some time to get used to, and it may be hard at first, but what will the extra hours in my day lead to?  Even if it's the addition of a walk, a trip to the gym or just more creative writing rather than work, it can help make me more use of my time during my days.

Now, only time will tell.

Looking forward to football season

Football season is right around the corner.  I love football season.  While baseball is also one of my favorite sports, there is just something magical about the football season.  Maybe it's because games are just once a week, maybe it's because of the action involved or maybe it's just because it captured my imagination as a child.

Rivers

I'm a diehard Chargers fan.  It doesn't matter what type of season they have or how badly they choke during play-offs.  I absolutely love and support them and will until the day I die.

Do I have expectations for San Diego this year?  Not really.  I've learned that you have to take the San Diego Chargers with a grain of salt.  It's great when they're winning, it sucks when they're losing but you'll stand by them through thick and thin.  We've always had a good, solid team but they just can't seem to make it to the big game and win.

Manning

Now that I'm living in Denver, I do root for the Broncos as my "default team."  While I wasn't very thrilled with Tebow Time here last season, I'm glad to see him gone so the team can actually focus as a unit as opposed to being under him.  However, if Denver had been smart, they would've kept him on the roster as backup QB and let Manning groom him into a true QB.  I highly doubt Tebow will become that now, as he's seemed destined to be a PR piece no matter where he goes instead of actually being the total package in football.

I digress.

I'm excited to see what Manning brings to Denver.  I'm sure every Broncos fan will hold their breath with each hit he takes throughout the season, but if Manning can pull off the impossible - which I do believe he can - Denver is going to be in for one hell of a good, interesting and exciting football season.  Even more so than when Tebow was here, which is really want Broncos fans need to see.

It should be an interesting season in the NFL overall, too.  We have the Saints under a microscope, facing fines and losing several players.  We have the Packers who continue to prove they're a force to reckon with.  We have some new rookies who are really exciting and starting from the get go.  It's going to be an exciting season, and I can't wait to catch as many games as I can!

I'm just a writer

All I've ever wanted to do in life is write.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted to write something.  I wanted to tell stories, I wanted to envision things others couldn't even conceive.  I know without a shadow of a doubt it's what I was put on this planet to do.

I like to attribute my love of storytelling to my paternal grandmother or "Nanny" as we called her growing up.  Whenever my sister and I visited her as kids, she told us these vivid stories about my dad, my uncles, her family and more.  I used to sit against the wall in her room and listen to her while my sister was out playing with dolls or went to the playground.  I loved listening to her tell a story, because the way she told it, I could see it play out in my own head.  I've always wanted to tell stories like that; I believe there are no better kind.

I've been living as a writer for almost 10 years now.  I took time off from college to pursue this career, mostly freelancing.  I've written on everything from mailboxes to iPods to everything in between.  I've learned search engine optimization, marketing techniques and just about everything possible to create web content.  While I enjoy the writing aspect of it, the challenge of creating content that people actually search for, find and read, I'm starting to burn out on just writing for the web.

I've begun doing writing exercises.  Mostly prompts for 30 to 45 minutes every other day to help get myself back into the creative writing spirit.  I've missed writing creatively, and it's a joy to see what I'm producing from these exercises.  Some have turned into bigger ideas, others have been filed away because I think they're embarrassing.

I've decided by the end of fall, I want to begin shopping around what I believe will be my first professional novel.  It's not necessarily the one I want to be first, but it's the one that has a story that will get me into the door.  I'm pleased with how it originally played out, and I know some out there have read bits and pieces of it over time.  It feels unpolished, but it will get better once I take the time to truly go through it and ask for feedback.

Who would've thought I finally had the courage to make it this far?  I've been holding onto several things for awhile creatively; I'm too scared to share with just about everyone, but I'm going to take that leap and see where it takes me.  What's the worst that could happen?

Yes, I'm gay, but I don't support gay "marriage" & I will still eat at Chick-fil-A

This post is going to get me into trouble.  It's going to get me in a lot of trouble.  I have no doubt the comments will be filled with hateful vitriol, I will lose Facebook and Twitter followers/friends and I'll probably receive several e-mails attacking me, my beliefs and this post.  This is why I tend to stay away from these topics.  However, I feel like this Chick-fil-A issue has spiraled so out of control, I can't help but comment on it.

I could care less what the CEO of Chick-fil-A feels about gay marriage and gays in general.  He, just like everyone else, is entitled to freedom of speech.  He owns a private company; he can do with his funds how he feels.  As long as I don't walk into a Chick-fil-A and get asked to leave because I'm gay, I don't care.  There are those of you reading this right now that are saying that because I purchase something from Chick-fil-A, that money I am spending as a gay American is going towards "fighting" my community.

Do you know where every cent of your money goes to when you purchase a cheeseburger from McDonalds?  How about when you purchase toiletries at Walgreens?  What about when you buy a pizza from your local mom and pop pizzeria?  Did you know that many major grocery store chains donate money to politicians running for election?  How many of those candidates do you support?  Unless you can tell me with absolute certainty that every penny you spend everywhere you choose to go is not supporting this, that or whatever, then you have no right to criticize me for choosing to purchase a chicken burrito from Chick-fil-A.

I do not believe in gay "marriage."  That's the primary issue gays will never, ever have equal rights in this country.  You cannot take a religiously-backed word, such as marriage, and ask those that believe in the law of G-d to change how they view it.  Step back, take a deep breath, and ask for civil unions.  There is nothing religiously-charged about that, and it gives you the same damn rights marriage does in this country.  In fact, there are tens of thousands of Americans who are straight that are living in a civil union as opposed to marriage for whatever reason.

Is it ridiculous that gay people can't use the word "marriage" without coming under fire?  Absolutely.  It's a word.  However, when you recognize that trying to convince a person who believes in religion otherwise, you will lose every single time despite the commonsense principle behind "we are all created equal."  When you look at the bigger picture here, the idea of marriage vs. civil unions is also ridiculous.  Our country, and planet, have so many bigger things to worry about than who is with who.

I want equal rights just as badly as the next person, but let's face it: African Americans and women have equal rights under the law, but to a lot of people in this country, they are still looked down upon.  Gays are still fighting for equal rights under the law, they're still looked down upon for being "wrong."  The longer we fight over semantics and the things that don't matter, the longer it's going to take for us to achieve equal rights under the law.  That's the first step, from there, it's still going to take decades before being gay is no longer looked down upon.

If you doubt any of the above, just think how the Women's Rights Movement or the Civil Rights Movement would've played out if the Bible said both communities were an abomination, too.

Things left unsaid

July 20, 2012 was a deadly day for Aurora, Colorado.  That just so happens to be where I live.  A 24 year old gunman named James Holmes ambushed a group of theater goers watching the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.  He murdered 12 of those people, wounding another 70.  Our community has banded together to support those victims as they struggle with the loss of loved ones as well as encouraging the recovery of those wounded.

That same night, after a week of house sitting, I came home to relax and get reacquainted with my normal routine only to be roused by a vicious fire in the building across the way.  Had I not been house sitting, I may have been at the theater shooting and had this apartment not been open, I may have been living in the building that burnt to a crisp.

In life, you never know just how close you come to the end each day.  Some days, like this day for me, you realize just how a few choices - even if they are out of your control - may be the end.  This is a time of reflection, of mourning for those who did lose someone and for looking at what to do in the future to better myself and the world around me.

It's amazing how tragedy, close calls and your place within the world changes in a day.  I'm looking at things differently, trying to focus on the positive and moving forward in life.  Already, I can see some changes in just how I'm handling small things that would normally get under my skin.

In life, too, it is so much easier to leave things left unsaid.  We all do it, we're all guilty of it, and we tend to regret it at some point in life.  Simple things like I love you, I'm sorry and even thank-you go unsaid every day for various reasons.  Most of us feel like we're too busy, others feel as if we can't properly express ourselves or we'll ruin a situation we're in by admitting to what's going on in our heads.

You see, the problem with this mentality is that life is too short to have regrets especially with the things in life we can control. By the time you get around to a simple thank-you, it may be too late either for you or for them.  By the time you get around to admitting you love someone, they may have moved on without you.  You just never know what life will throw your way or throw in the way of the person you have unfinished business with.  If you can step up, find that courage, who knows how life may turn out.

Some days I wish I had that courage.  I spend so much of my time regretting words and actions I did not take both in the present and the past.  I'm such a coward, and I wish I could find the strength and not let all the things eating their way inside me out into the world.  Not only to get them out but for peace of mind and to lift what I feel is a bit of a burden on my shoulders.  But saying what you feel is always easier said than done, which is why we leave so much unsaid in life.

Besides taking a more positive approach on life and the future, I also want to reach out and have less regrets.  Keep less inside of me and share what I'm thinking, feeling and want in life to those around me.  It will take courage, and I will find it as my life could be taken from me at any moment and I don't want to leave anything left unsaid.

Ponderosa Villas Late Night Fire Recap

Around 10:45 PM last night, the fire alarm in the building across the way began blaring.  At first, I thought it was our building’s fire alarm.  So, after hearing the noise, I opened the front door to confirm it.  Our upstairs neighbor was out on the stairs looking off into the distance and I asked him if it was for real.  He pointed and nodded.

I headed to our balcony and immediately saw police cars swarming our parking lots.  There were orange flames shooting up into the sky, lots of smoke and what looked like a huge fire in the building across from us.  I called my roommate who was at work to let her know, because with the way things have been in Aurora the last 24 hours, I just didn’t know what was going on and if we’d have to evacuate or not.  People were pouring out of the buildings closer to the one on fire, running in most cases while others began gathering in the parking lot staring in horror.

Quickly, I grabbed the cat carrier and stuffed my cat Diego into their despite his protests.  I grabbed the laptops, a binder and my wallet and headed downstairs for my roommate to return home.  At this point, fire trucks had begun trickling into the parking lot on the one side of the building on fire.  The smoke at this point had begun to plume out and down to the ground, making the visibility to the right of that building close to zero.  It looked so much worse to those of us watching.

A fire truck pulled directly in front of our building awaiting orders.  I called my roommate to let her know I wasn’t sure if she could get into the complex or not, and they already had the side street blocked off which I couldn’t see she informed me.  She parked in the Costco parking lot across the street and began walking over.

The fire truck headed around the other side of the building and they began to block off the areas with police tape.  We had several fire trucks, police cars, ambulances and loads of people from all over the complex standing on balconies, in the street, at their cars watching as the fire seemed to just keep burning.  I decided to walk down the street to see if I could get a better angle, but you really couldn’t see much but flames, water and smoke from our vantage point.

Firefighters trying to but out the fire from outside

After awhile, we decided to head back into the apartment and to continue to watch from the balcony.  It looked like we wouldn’t be evacuated.  Our upstairs neighbor had said he thought three apartments were on fire as he had run around to see before they blocked off the area.  We came upstairs, let our cat out and set up out on the balcony.  The sirens, lights and alarms were so loud; we wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway.

We settled in, watching as the flames seemed to get a lot worse over time rising higher.  A poor woman sitting outside was taken to the hospital for some reason; we weren’t sure if she was involved in the apartments on fire or something else.  We’re still not sure.

Eventually, I decided I would walk around the other side of the building to see if I could see better what was actually going on.  There were no police or fire officials watching the yellow tape, so I stepped past it a bit but not in a dangerous way to take a few pictures.  By this point, they seemed to have most of the fire under control but things were still smoking and smoldering.  It was very dark, so it was hard to see just how many apartments were affected and the damage.

Initial damage from side

I briefly spoke to our property managers who were in disbelief and worried.  Luckily, nobody was hurt and everyone had escaped before they could be hurt.  So, that was good news that I brought back to my roommate.

We sat outside for awhile.  I eventually downloaded a police scanner to my phone so I could listen in to what was going on with the firefighters and police in our area.  While most of it was chatter and incidents elsewhere, I learned that there was a collapse during their efforts but nobody was hurt.

My roommate went to bed before me, but I sat outside for a good hour or so watching as the fire was put out, the building was still smoldering and fire trucks began to leave the scene.  Some residents were fighting with police about trying to get into their apartments in the adjacent building but they were holding firm.  They finally gave in after the scene was cleared for danger by firefighters looking for debris.

Smoldering, then smoke

The sprinklers around the complex went off, shooting up much higher than normal, in an effort to combat any smoldering debris.  Most of those watching the night’s events unfold had gone inside, some you could see on balconies clearly not able to sleep, yet.

It was probably about 1:30-ish AM when I finally decided to head in.  Two fire trucks had left at this point, some of the police had, too, and folks were back in their homes.

I woke up around 4-ish AM to use the bathroom and checked outside.  There was still one fire truck left but otherwise, it was much calmer out.

By the time I woke up again around 8:30 AM, it was as if nothing had happened last night at all.  You couldn’t see any debris, no fire or police presence, it was just quiet.  My roommate and I had some errands to run, so we decided to walk up by the right side of the building.

On our way around, we saw that they had blocked off the entrances to that entire building with pieces of chain link fence.  There was debris, glass, roof tiles and more around the one side.  As we walked around to the other, you could see the side of the apartments that were charred.

Then, we stood in awe by the pool to see the devastation.  The third floor apartment was completely destroyed with the roof gone, balcony burned through and collapsing into the second floor apartment.  The second floor apartment’s living area looked destroyed by the bedrooms looked like they might be okay.  The glass was broken out; we could see a bookcase or stand still there through the window.

The creepiest part of seeing the damage was on the first floor where several potted planters were melted into the fencing around the porch.  One planter hanging from the top of the ceiling looked as if it disintegrated while others were just charred.

The police and fire officials were there talking to some residents, too.

After we ran our errands, we came back and I decided to stroll around the left side of the building again to try and get some better pictures of the damage.

Damage in the daylight

Before that, there were a few residents who were jumping over the fences to the first floor porches to grab things they had left there the night before.  Cleaning crews were also on hand to begin working with the damage to the apartments and surrounding area.

You can read more about the fire from our local NBC affiliate here, which also includes a video someone sent in from the fire.

You can also see all the pictures I've taken so far from last night and today on my Google+ profile.

Expectations

It's ironic how as kids we convince ourselves that fairy tales really do come true, and for very, very few they do. But for the majority of us, fairy tales are just the expectations we put into other people to be who we want them to be. The irony lies in the fact that nobody, not a single soul on Earth, can be who we want them to be because they're too busy trying to figure out who they are every day of their lives.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the expectations we put on ourselves, that others put on us and that the world in general throws our way.  Expectations are out there whether we want them to be a driving force in our lives or not.  The problem with the majority of expectations that we "think" we are putting on ourselves really come from other people.  What they want us to be, who they want us to be, what they want a relationship to be.  When it comes down to it, a majority of "who" we are is based on what other people want us to be.

Who do we blame when we fall far from those expectations?  That's right: Ourselves.

I refuse to live my life tied down by expectations anymore.  This will be a hard path but a righteous one.  If I can find a way to live my life for me, figure out exactly who I am, who or what can stop me from accomplishing the goals I have set?  The only person who can stop me from being me is me, so why waste time worrying what other people and what society says I can and can't be?

My goals will be simple from this point out.  They will be attainable.  They will build upon one another until I shatter the fairy tale I wanted and simply learn to live life, enjoy each and everything that comes my way good or bad.  I owe it to myself to enjoy life, because I never know when it may be taken away.

When it comes to the people in my life, I no longer want to hold them up to a higher standard just because I "think" they should be this or do that.  Instead, I simply want to be thankful they were in life for better or worse.  I've learned something from each of them, and why would I want to waste that experience for bitterness and misplaced feelings?

I've spent my whole life chasing a dream that I thought I came close to having but am now coming to realize was just not going to come true.  Not as the person I had become.  The hurt, the anger, everything I've held onto in life has shaped me into this mold of a person I don't want to be.  How can I expect someone to truly understand and be with me if I haven't come to terms with the past and moved forward as a person with their feet solidly on the ground.

I know it's much easier to say these things - write them out -  then to live them.  I'm going to remind myself each day that to live life free of these expectations is what is truly going to get me out of this rut.  It's going to guide me into the future.  If I can hold onto that, I'll be just fine.