Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Things left unsaid

July 20, 2012 was a deadly day for Aurora, Colorado.  That just so happens to be where I live.  A 24 year old gunman named James Holmes ambushed a group of theater goers watching the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.  He murdered 12 of those people, wounding another 70.  Our community has banded together to support those victims as they struggle with the loss of loved ones as well as encouraging the recovery of those wounded.

That same night, after a week of house sitting, I came home to relax and get reacquainted with my normal routine only to be roused by a vicious fire in the building across the way.  Had I not been house sitting, I may have been at the theater shooting and had this apartment not been open, I may have been living in the building that burnt to a crisp.

In life, you never know just how close you come to the end each day.  Some days, like this day for me, you realize just how a few choices - even if they are out of your control - may be the end.  This is a time of reflection, of mourning for those who did lose someone and for looking at what to do in the future to better myself and the world around me.

It's amazing how tragedy, close calls and your place within the world changes in a day.  I'm looking at things differently, trying to focus on the positive and moving forward in life.  Already, I can see some changes in just how I'm handling small things that would normally get under my skin.

In life, too, it is so much easier to leave things left unsaid.  We all do it, we're all guilty of it, and we tend to regret it at some point in life.  Simple things like I love you, I'm sorry and even thank-you go unsaid every day for various reasons.  Most of us feel like we're too busy, others feel as if we can't properly express ourselves or we'll ruin a situation we're in by admitting to what's going on in our heads.

You see, the problem with this mentality is that life is too short to have regrets especially with the things in life we can control. By the time you get around to a simple thank-you, it may be too late either for you or for them.  By the time you get around to admitting you love someone, they may have moved on without you.  You just never know what life will throw your way or throw in the way of the person you have unfinished business with.  If you can step up, find that courage, who knows how life may turn out.

Some days I wish I had that courage.  I spend so much of my time regretting words and actions I did not take both in the present and the past.  I'm such a coward, and I wish I could find the strength and not let all the things eating their way inside me out into the world.  Not only to get them out but for peace of mind and to lift what I feel is a bit of a burden on my shoulders.  But saying what you feel is always easier said than done, which is why we leave so much unsaid in life.

Besides taking a more positive approach on life and the future, I also want to reach out and have less regrets.  Keep less inside of me and share what I'm thinking, feeling and want in life to those around me.  It will take courage, and I will find it as my life could be taken from me at any moment and I don't want to leave anything left unsaid.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Ponderosa Villas Late Night Fire Recap


Around 10:45 PM last night, the fire alarm in the building across the way began blaring.  At first, I thought it was our building’s fire alarm.  So, after hearing the noise, I opened the front door to confirm it.  Our upstairs neighbor was out on the stairs looking off into the distance and I asked him if it was for real.  He pointed and nodded.

I headed to our balcony and immediately saw police cars swarming our parking lots.  There were orange flames shooting up into the sky, lots of smoke and what looked like a huge fire in the building across from us.  I called my roommate who was at work to let her know, because with the way things have been in Aurora the last 24 hours, I just didn’t know what was going on and if we’d have to evacuate or not.  People were pouring out of the buildings closer to the one on fire, running in most cases while others began gathering in the parking lot staring in horror.

Quickly, I grabbed the cat carrier and stuffed my cat Diego into their despite his protests.  I grabbed the laptops, a binder and my wallet and headed downstairs for my roommate to return home.  At this point, fire trucks had begun trickling into the parking lot on the one side of the building on fire.  The smoke at this point had begun to plume out and down to the ground, making the visibility to the right of that building close to zero.  It looked so much worse to those of us watching.

A fire truck pulled directly in front of our building awaiting orders.  I called my roommate to let her know I wasn’t sure if she could get into the complex or not, and they already had the side street blocked off which I couldn’t see she informed me.  She parked in the Costco parking lot across the street and began walking over.

The fire truck headed around the other side of the building and they began to block off the areas with police tape.  We had several fire trucks, police cars, ambulances and loads of people from all over the complex standing on balconies, in the street, at their cars watching as the fire seemed to just keep burning.  I decided to walk down the street to see if I could get a better angle, but you really couldn’t see much but flames, water and smoke from our vantage point.

Firefighters fighting blaze at apartment complex
Firefighters trying to but out the fire from outside
After awhile, we decided to head back into the apartment and to continue to watch from the balcony.  It looked like we wouldn’t be evacuated.  Our upstairs neighbor had said he thought three apartments were on fire as he had run around to see before they blocked off the area.  We came upstairs, let our cat out and set up out on the balcony.  The sirens, lights and alarms were so loud; we wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway.

We settled in, watching as the flames seemed to get a lot worse over time rising higher.  A poor woman sitting outside was taken to the hospital for some reason; we weren’t sure if she was involved in the apartments on fire or something else.  We’re still not sure.

Eventually, I decided I would walk around the other side of the building to see if I could see better what was actually going on.  There were no police or fire officials watching the yellow tape, so I stepped past it a bit but not in a dangerous way to take a few pictures.  By this point, they seemed to have most of the fire under control but things were still smoking and smoldering.  It was very dark, so it was hard to see just how many apartments were affected and the damage.

Initial damage from side
Initial damage from side
I briefly spoke to our property managers who were in disbelief and worried.  Luckily, nobody was hurt and everyone had escaped before they could be hurt.  So, that was good news that I brought back to my roommate.

We sat outside for awhile.  I eventually downloaded a police scanner to my phone so I could listen in to what was going on with the firefighters and police in our area.  While most of it was chatter and incidents elsewhere, I learned that there was a collapse during their efforts but nobody was hurt.

My roommate went to bed before me, but I sat outside for a good hour or so watching as the fire was put out, the building was still smoldering and fire trucks began to leave the scene.  Some residents were fighting with police about trying to get into their apartments in the adjacent building but they were holding firm.  They finally gave in after the scene was cleared for danger by firefighters looking for debris.

Smoldering, then smoke
Smoldering, then smoke
The sprinklers around the complex went off, shooting up much higher than normal, in an effort to combat any smoldering debris.  Most of those watching the night’s events unfold had gone inside, some you could see on balconies clearly not able to sleep, yet.

It was probably about 1:30-ish AM when I finally decided to head in.  Two fire trucks had left at this point, some of the police had, too, and folks were back in their homes.

I woke up around 4-ish AM to use the bathroom and checked outside.  There was still one fire truck left but otherwise, it was much calmer out.

By the time I woke up again around 8:30 AM, it was as if nothing had happened last night at all.  You couldn’t see any debris, no fire or police presence, it was just quiet.  My roommate and I had some errands to run, so we decided to walk up by the right side of the building.

On our way around, we saw that they had blocked off the entrances to that entire building with pieces of chain link fence.  There was debris, glass, roof tiles and more around the one side.  As we walked around to the other, you could see the side of the apartments that were charred.

Then, we stood in awe by the pool to see the devastation.  The third floor apartment was completely destroyed with the roof gone, balcony burned through and collapsing into the second floor apartment.  The second floor apartment’s living area looked destroyed by the bedrooms looked like they might be okay.  The glass was broken out; we could see a bookcase or stand still there through the window.

The creepiest part of seeing the damage was on the first floor where several potted planters were melted into the fencing around the porch.  One planter hanging from the top of the ceiling looked as if it disintegrated while others were just charred.

The police and fire officials were there talking to some residents, too.

After we ran our errands, we came back and I decided to stroll around the left side of the building again to try and get some better pictures of the damage.

Damage in the daylight
Damage in the daylight
Before that, there were a few residents who were jumping over the fences to the first floor porches to grab things they had left there the night before.  Cleaning crews were also on hand to begin working with the damage to the apartments and surrounding area.

You can read more about the fire from our local NBC affiliate here, which also includes a video someone sent in from the fire.

You can also see all the pictures I've taken so far from last night and today on my Google+ profile.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Expectations


It's ironic how as kids we convince ourselves that fairy tales really do come true, and for very, very few they do. But for the majority of us, fairy tales are just the expectations we put into other people to be who we want them to be. The irony lies in the fact that nobody, not a single soul on Earth, can be who we want them to be because they're too busy trying to figure out who they are every day of their lives.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the expectations we put on ourselves, that others put on us and that the world in general throws our way.  Expectations are out there whether we want them to be a driving force in our lives or not.  The problem with the majority of expectations that we "think" we are putting on ourselves really come from other people.  What they want us to be, who they want us to be, what they want a relationship to be.  When it comes down to it, a majority of "who" we are is based on what other people want us to be.

Who do we blame when we fall far from those expectations?  That's right: Ourselves.

I refuse to live my life tied down by expectations anymore.  This will be a hard path but a righteous one.  If I can find a way to live my life for me, figure out exactly who I am, who or what can stop me from accomplishing the goals I have set?  The only person who can stop me from being me is me, so why waste time worrying what other people and what society says I can and can't be?

My goals will be simple from this point out.  They will be attainable.  They will build upon one another until I shatter the fairy tale I wanted and simply learn to live life, enjoy each and everything that comes my way good or bad.  I owe it to myself to enjoy life, because I never know when it may be taken away.

When it comes to the people in my life, I no longer want to hold them up to a higher standard just because I "think" they should be this or do that.  Instead, I simply want to be thankful they were in life for better or worse.  I've learned something from each of them, and why would I want to waste that experience for bitterness and misplaced feelings?

I've spent my whole life chasing a dream that I thought I came close to having but am now coming to realize was just not going to come true.  Not as the person I had become.  The hurt, the anger, everything I've held onto in life has shaped me into this mold of a person I don't want to be.  How can I expect someone to truly understand and be with me if I haven't come to terms with the past and moved forward as a person with their feet solidly on the ground.

I know it's much easier to say these things - write them out -  then to live them.  I'm going to remind myself each day that to live life free of these expectations is what is truly going to get me out of this rut.  It's going to guide me into the future.  If I can hold onto that, I'll be just fine.