Monday, December 31, 2012

Regret is a dish best served cold


Regret is cold.  It's calculated.  It eats away at the very heart of a human being.  It can turn even the most optimistic and positive person into a self-loathing maniac.  Regret has ruled my life in 2012, I can't let it in 2013.

In 2012, I only regret two things.  One: That I did not walk away and two: That I did not fight hard enough.  I don't want to go into details.  I want to be vague and withhold the information behind this.  The two regrets I've held onto all year are mine to alone to hoist up on my shoulders.  They're my regrets I have to let go of and I'm the only one who can deal with what they cost me.

I will not let regret rule my heart in 2013.  I refuse to let it.  If I do, it will kill me and it will eat me alive.  It will destroy me until I no longer resemble myself and I can no longer function to the best of my potential.  I have to deal with my issues, deal with the aftermath of 2012 and put one foot in front of the other until I walk the path I was meant to be walk.

I only have two new year's resolutions for 2013: To stop biting my nails and to get in shape.  The latter being imperative to my well-being, both mentally and physically.  I'm tired of being less than what I could be and I'm tired of letting myself believe I don't deserve better.  By bettering myself, the only outcome can be knowing myself better.

I have goals, I'm working towards them and I'm looking forward to 2013.  After all, it can't get much worse than 2012 was to me.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Local post office holds my package hostage

Updated: 12/21/12 4:18 PM

On December 13, 2012, my mom alerted me that I should've received a package (Tracking # 9405 9036 9930 0076 5111 62) from her.  The tracking update she was sent said it was delivered in two separate updates, but I was home all day and nobody delivered a package to me.  There was nothing in my mail box either.

The next day I went to my apartment complex office and was told that the USPS carrier was new and attempted to deliver a package to our office.  Our office hasn't accepted packages since a fire in the old office building in July which our normal carrier and post office knew.  The carrier scanned the package as delivered and told my office manager it would be redelivered the next day.

I called the USPS customer service hotline (800 - 275 - 8777) and initiated a claim.  I was told I would be updated on the issue within 24 hours.  I never received any communication about this in that time frame.

On the 14th, I received no package.  I did leave a note in my mailbox about the issue but that was ignored by the carrier.

After the carrier left and I realized I still did not have my package, I called the local post office (8700 E Jefferson Ave, Denver, CO 80237 - 303 221 5209) to inquire about it.

I spoke to Kathy who seemed put off from the get go about my call.  After she let me explain the issue to her, she seemed agitated and told me that she was a supervisor.  She told me that the carrier on route that day was our regular carrier and that he was "a weirdo."  She said my package should be on his truck if it was to be redelivered and that if I did not receive it by the end of the day to call back first thing in the morning.

That evening I still did not receive my package.

On the morning of the 15th, I called Kathy back and she immediately put me on hold.  She picked up several times after confirming my address, and then another gentlemen who I believe identified himself as Jim, asked me to explain the issue to him and ask me my address again.  It seemed there was an issue of which route my apartment complex was on.

A third gentleman answered the phone but did not identify himself.  He said what sounded like he was told to end the call with me to which I got angry and asked what was going on.  I was put on hold again, and then a few minutes later he picked up and asked me once more to explain the issue.

I explained it to him.  He told me he was off the day before and nobody had told him about the incident.  I explained in detail what happened again, that I left a note about it in my mailbox, and then he told me that my regular carrier was on vacation.  He said he would look for my package and if it didn't arrive again to call back on Monday.  I was then hung up on by him after confirming my address and name one more time.  I didn't even have a chance to explain if they found my package, I would be out for the day and wouldn't be home to receive it.

I then called the 800 number back with my case ID to update the ticket.  I was told by the representative that there was no update to it, that the post office in question would update it when available and that she added what I reported about the incident.

I was then advised to escalate the ticket to the local Colorado/Wyoming consumer affairs office on Monday morning.

As of the evening of December 17th, I have yet to hear back about my case ID which I was told would be responded to within 24 hours.  It had now been more than 48 hours.

My note in the mailbox has gone ignored by every carrier who has delivered since the 14th.

I have submitted a ticket via USPS' web site on the issue, detailing the above.

On the morning of December 18th, I called the USPS customer service hotline to follow up on my original case.

The woman who updated me on the case said that a note had been put out to all carriers on the route - called a "carrier alert" - to be on the lookout for my package.  Beyond that, there was nothing else that could be done.  I continued to relay my concerns that the local post office did not care after my conversations with them to track down the package.

The woman told me that I could file a claim on the package since it had insurance no earlier than 45 days from the "delivery date" of December 13th.  I could do that online or in person by mail and either my mom (sender) or me (receiver) could do it.

At 1:15 PM on December 18th, I received a call from Kathy at the post office saying they had located my package.  In the voicemail she left, she said "I really don't appreciate what you wrote in your complaint" and that my package is "gonna sit here until you pick it up."

At that point, I was livid.  I called the 800 number back because if I called Kathy back, things would not have ended well. There is no reason why I should be required to go pick up a package they didn't deliver and were supposed to in the first place.

The woman I spoke to at the 800 number said there was no reason why the package shouldn't be redelivered as it was their fault this issue occurred in the first place.  She placed a delivery confirmation for me for December 19th.  She also assured me that the post office could not refuse the redelivery.

I was called at 5:26 PM the same day from the local post office location but no voice mail was left.

The carrier arrived on December 19 around 4 PM.  My package was not delivered, no attempt was made and no redelivery slip was left in my mailbox.

I called the 800 number again and spoke to a gentleman by the name of Devon.  He listened to my concerns and after I threatened to take the voice mail Kathy left public, then transferred me to a supervisor named Michael.  He read over my case, then listened to my concerns and apologized for the situation before escalating my claim.

He also scheduled a new redelivery for December 20th. 

He advised me to call Consumer Affairs with the new, escalated case number first thing in the morning.  He said someone would call me back about this and when I asked if it would be the supervisor Kathy, he said no, it should be the Postmaster at the local post office.

I have yet to call Consumer Affairs in the hopes that the post office would do the right thing and deliver my package after their mistake.  If I do not receive my package today, I will be contacting them first thing on the morning of December 21.  I have also reached out to the local media in the Denver metro area detailing my situation with this package and post office.

At this point, I want my package hand delivered to me at my apartment and an apology issued by the post office.  There is absolutely no reason why I should be held accountable for my package when the original carrier and then the post office continued to make the matter worse by refusing to acknowledge, apologize and rectify the situation.  Instead, they went out of their way to make this entire situation worse which is where I find myself now.

Latest update: December 21, 2012

At 2:34 PM, December 20, I received a voicemail from Kathy at the local post office and was asked what she should do with my package.  She already knows and has been told for two days what to do with it by having it redelivered.

I called the 800 number again, I explained if I don't receive it by the end of the day tomorrow, I will be filing a police report against her and the local post office.  The representative created another redelivery for tomorrow, confirmation #: COR21713462.

I finally got a hold of someone at consumer affairs (Sandra) who looked at my case and said she'd call the post office back to figure out what is going on.  I was told from the get go to just "go pick up your package."  This call was less than two minutes.  She then called me back not a few minutes later to tell me she's shocked that the mail carriers deliver packages to our apartments because they aren't supposed to do that.  I told her it happens all the time and she seemed not to believe me.

She called me back again and I was told that they weren't allowed to deliver to individual apartments and that was against postal policy.  I argued with her and then we ended the call when it was clear neither one of us were going to get anything out of it.  She did offer to get her supervisor but I was too angry to continue any conversation with consumer affairs.

It was very clear that this woman did not read the entirety of my claim, did not care and immediately sided with my local post office.

Wendy, her supervisor, called me back about ten minutes later and asked if they had permission to leave the package at my door and it was normally against policy.  I gave them permission, told her I'd be here all day and let her know the carriers here do it all the time and all anybody needed to do was tell me that.  I kept getting told this was against policy but they would make an exception.

I find it very hard to believe that they can't deliver to my doorstep in my complex, because I have had several packages - insured, uninsured, delivery confirmed, etc - delivered directly to my door since our office has been unable to accept packages.  I've watched all week thanks to working from home the various postal carriers deliver packages to individual apartments.  This was completely dismissed by consumer affairs as if I was lying about it.

In fact, when I scheduled each and every redelivery with the 800 number, not once was I told this was against policy. They knew I lived in an apartment in a complex and the package needed to be delivered to my door.  I would think if this was truly against policy in a case like this, someone - including Kathy at the local post office - would've said so instead of just leaving threatening voicemails and asking me what she should do with my package.  Asking me what she should do with my package indicates there are multiple options, such as picking it up, having it delivered or even having it returned to sender.

Kathy could've very clearly indicated this to me the day she found my package (six days ago), instead she purposefully has kept this package from being redelivered despite multiple redelivery setups for it authorized by the postal service customer service hotline (this includes regular rep and a supervisor who set up a redelivery.)  If this was such an issue, it would've been indicated to me from the get go, NOT once I called consumer affairs.

I also wish to point out Kathy told me that if my package was meant to be redelivered to me the day I reported the incident, it would be on the truck and redelivered.  She did not indicate at that time either that I would have to pick it up.  It wasn't until AFTER I filed a complaint that I was told I had to pick it up.

I have contacted all three major news networks in Denver, along with The Denver Post about this issue.

We will see if consumer affairs can actually get this post office to hand deliver my package.  If not, well, we go to Plan B.

Latest update: 12/21/12 4:19 PM
receiving-my-package
Vindicated!
As soon as the postal carrier arrived today, he immediately delivered the package to my door, apologized for the issue and even played with my cat for a bit.

Thank you to everyone who helped share, comment and support me through this fiasco.  I couldn't have made this happen without you.

Friday, December 14, 2012

"Your sadness is over an absence that is not new. It feels new, but it is only newly remembered."


I recently saw this quote on Twitter and immediately made it one of my favorites.  I don't know who the original author is and I couldn't find out much when I did look for it.  But it struck a chord with me.  It struck a chord straight to my heart.  I've been living my life for so long trying to fill an absence I lost months ago.  An absence I lost years ago.  An absence I lost more than 20 years ago.  Every day I live with this whole in my heart that I seek to fill by excess, whether it's food, drink or some other activity my obsessive compulsive nature latches onto.

There are only two things I've ever truly wanted in life: To write and to be loved.

I've been writing since I was a kid, as long as I can remember.  On some level, I think it's one of the few things in life that truly make me happy.  The world can be falling apart around me and as long as I pick up a pen and a piece of paper, everything will be all right.  I haven't always used that persistent nag to get me through the rough times.  But when the world was ending before me and I thought there was no light, writing has always been there for me.

In my delusion, I thought that I could be the type of writer I am and find love.  Find someone to spend the rest of my life with me.  I know, even typing this, that several people prominent in my life who care about me are going to object to this next statement.  I now realize this isn't possible.  Life has shown me that no matter how hard and how much I love, I simply will not find the person who can love me that much back.  I don't think it's because of the writing, I don't think it's because of the type of person I am, but I do believe it's because they realize that I want something they can never give me.

They cannot make me feel the way writing does, and I will resent them for that whether they realize it or not.  It will make me angry at them, it will make me judge them and it will make me go to great lengths to convince myself that I'm at fault (whether I am or not.)

Whenever I've been happy in a relationship, I've had issues writing.  Even writing work has suffered and been like pulling my own teeth out.  I find when I'm happy, it's the perfect storm for extreme writer's block.  My creativity has no outlet, it buries itself and so when something does go wrong, I go off the deep end mentally and emotionally.  Without the creative writing outlet - despite how happy I am - I find myself floundering with emotions that come spilling out in all the worst possible ways.

This really has led me to believe that I cannot truly find both.  This isn't to say others can't find both; I'm saying I can't find both.  Perhaps, I'm not truly mean to find both.  Maybe I do have to pick and choose which one I want.  I used to think it was love, but now I firmly believe it's writing.

So, that is the choice I make.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

You either live your dreams or you don’t


Dreams are an interesting concept.  We all have dreams and aspirations we reach for in life.  They can as simple as taking a cruise to something as large as winning an Academy Award.  But how many of us truly reach for our dreams?  I don’t mean setting goals, stepping stones and crossing items off a checklist to get to an end point.  I mean, truly, madly living that dream despite it not yet coming true.  It’s much easier to think we’re on our way to our dreams instead of accepting we’re already on the road to living them, we just have to move towards them.

I’m tired of being afraid of living my dreams, because I already am.  I’ve always wanted to be a writer.  What do I get to do every day?  I get to write.  It can be a poem, the inklings of a short story or even something I’m being paid for, but I’m still writing.  I’m still creating something from scratch and that’s what I’ve always wanted to do.  So, why am I still afraid I’m not doing it when clearly I am?

Society has a funny way of making us think what we’re doing is wrong.  This has been true since humans were capable of forming social groups, creating norms and enforcing them on the rest of a group.  For so long I thought I was doing the wrong thing, I wasn’t being a productive member of society and I wasn’t contributing to what I wanted to do with my own life.  I was working towards impossible standards that weren’t even my own.  They weren’t even the standards of those around me.  They were the standards of some unseen societal entity we all tend to blame for things going poorly, things falling apart and things not seeming to be true.

I don’t want to live this way anymore.  I get to write every day.  I get to do what I love every day.  It may not be what society thinks is productive, it may not always pay the bills but at the end of the day, I am already living my dreams.  Now, the real question is, where can this dream take me?  Where can I go with it?  What can I do to grow, nurture and encourage it?

That’s where I’m at now.

I don’t want to spend another day pretending I’m not a writer.  I am.  I have plans, projects, ideas and I want to spend time evolving them into something more than just the spark they started out as.  There is no better feeling in life, at least to me, than creating something from nothing.  Not many people can do that or want to do that.  Most people are terrified of putting themselves out there on an original idea.  Not me.  It excites me, it encourages me and it makes me feel more alive than ever.